Everything We Had
by VeryRachelBerry
Summary: What if Bella hadn't forgiven Edward when they got back from Italy? UNFINISHED.
1. Everything We Had

**Everything We Had**

**Summary: What if Bella hadn't taken Edward back after he returned? what would have happened? Would he be able to take her back? Based during New Moon. My first Twilight fic so don't be too harsh :)**

**Disclaimer: If I really owned Twilight, do you think I would be wasting my time writing fanfics? I think not! So as you see, everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer...unfortunately.**

_**Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist-Everything We Had; The Academy Is...**_

--------------------------------------------------------------

_''I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.''_ Edward said to me. We lay in my bed, my body pressed up against his cold, marble statue. He looked deeply into my eyes, his coal into my chocolate. He was hungry. I was hungry too, but not for blood or food, but for love. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. As much as I loved him, I just couldn't take him back. Not after what he'd done to me. What I had become._"I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please- just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" he whispered."_

"I...Edward I just...I can't." I softly said. His eyes read pain. I tried my best to hold back the tears that were already coming to my eyes. "I love you. I really do. More than anything in the world-in the universe, and I will never love anyone else, but I just can't. I wouldn't be able to survive if you left me again."

"I could never leave you again, Bella. I would never want to, or be able to." Edward whispered to me. His words rang with truth, but I still didn't believe him. I had believed him when he said he didn't love me too, and look where that got me.

"You killed me Edward. You killed me in the worst way possible. And I can't let you kill me again. Things only just started getting better. I can't just start all over again." The tears were now flooding down my face. Every time I tried wiping them away, it seemed twice as many came in return. "And I couldn't even show it, Edward! I had to be happy! I had to be happy for Charlie, and Renee, and I had to keep going. I had to go to school, and cook dinner, and do my homework, and go to work, and do everything like I always did like everything was OK, like I was OK. And I'm not OK, Edward!"

"I'm not OK either, Bella. But we can make each other OK. We can make each other better than OK, we can be perfect and happy. I love you." I felt Edward's ice fingers wipe my tears away.

"I can't love you anymore, Edward. It hurts too much." I whispered before turning away from him. I felt the weight on the bed shift as he got up.

"I'm sorry." I didn't realize he was gone until I finally turned back around, 5 minutes later, and the room stood empty, the window open. I slowly closed my eyes, drifting back to sleep, fresh tears softly rolling down my face.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I sat silently eating my cereal. Or more so picking up spoonfulls of cereal and letting them drop back down. The cereal had become soft and soggy from sitting there 15 minutes without being eaten. Charlie had already left for work, and it was too early to leave for school. Alice had gone back to the Cullen home with everyone else. Including _him_. _No! Stop it! You are not going to think about that Bella. Think of something else. Something happy..._but there is nothing happy. Now _he's_ back and I'm going to have to see him everyday, in every class, and pretend like I'm doing perfectly fine without him. If anything, I was worse. Because now he was around, he just wasn't mine anymore. And it was all my fault. He still loves me, and I love him. But I had blown it because I'm too afraid. Too afraid to lose him again.

Yesterday felt like years ago. I had sat next to him on the plane, he had kissed my wrists, my hair, my forehead. He had held me against him in bed, like so many months ago. And he still loved me like so many months ago. But he had still left me, so who says he wouldn't leave me again? Him. He says he would never leave me again, that he couldn't. I want to believe it, I really do but I don't. It's like when your little and you first find out there's no Santa Claus. You want to believe it so so badly, but you know he isn't real. And yet still, a little part of you still believes, just to have something to believe in. I chuckled softly to myself. He was my Santa Claus.

I looked up at the clock. It was still pretty early to show up at school, but I had nothing better to do. Except wallow and cry of course, but I didn't particularly want to do that. He'd see my bloodshot eyes instantly, and I wouldn't let him see that. I couldn't let him see that. I slowly grabbed my bag and walked outside to my truck. It was raining as usual, but it seemed like the sky was just as sad as I was. The loud roar of the truck suprised me, although I knew I should be used to it by now. I drove silently to school feeling particularly empty with no sound, and yet at the same time I didn't want any sound. I didn't want to listen to any music, and I definitely didn't want to talk to anyone. I just can't win. But I'm used to it, when have I ever won before?

I slowly parked the truck and trudged to my first class. I was the first student in the classroom which I certainly didn't mind. That meant Edward wasn't here yet. I sat down in my spot near the back of the classroom and doodled random nonsense on my notebook. I hadn't noticed the time pass until I looked up to find Mike Newton standing in front of me, and the majority of the other students in groups talking to each other loudly.

"Hey, you're back! Where were you?" Mike asked me happily, as usual.

"I...uh," What was I supposed to say? I wasn't going to tell him the truth, but I didn't particularly want to tell him the lie I told Charlie either. Mike looked at me, waiting for an answer. Then, _he_ walked in and swiftly and quickly went to speak to the teacher. Mike looked up at him and a look of knowing appeared on his face.

"He's back?" He asked, with a barely noticeable amount of anger in his voice. They never really had liked each other much. I just nodded, not speaking. Mike silently went over to his seat as Edward walked down the aisle of desks to the empty seat beside me.

"Hey, Bella." He said barely more than a whisper as he sat down.

"Hi." I managed to choke out before going back to my doodling, this time with more pressure than before.

The class seemed to go by even slower than usual. Edward didn't try to speak to me, picking up that I didn't, or rather couldn't talk to him. When the bell rang, I expected Edward to instantly rush out of the classroom like he used to, before we had first "gotten together" but he waited for me as I slowly picked up all of my books. We silently walked to our next class together, catching stares and whispers when people saw that he was back, and probably assumed we were back together. But we weren't. As much as I would love we were, we weren't, and we never would be. I would go on forever (or more the rest of my life since the chances of me being a vampire now were even slimmer than before) without him. I almost started crying just at the thought, but I shook my head trying to erase it from my mind.

"What are you thinking?" He asked me.

"You don't want to know." I said simply. and I knew he didn't. Because if he really loved me like he said, he was just as upset about not spending forever with me as I was. But he didn't love me. He couldn't love me. People don't leave the one they love no matter what. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself...

"Yes I do." He replied looking me in the eyes. We were seated now, and the class was just about to start.

"Well we don't always get what we want, do we?" I said and turned away. He was quiet after that, and I felt bad. I didn't apoligize though. I don't believe in sorry anymore. Sorry doesn't have much meaning after it's been said thousands of times throughout a lifetime. It's not hard to say, even if you don't mean it. Even I can say sorry and look believable, despite my lack of lying expertise. Sorry doesn't fix things. It definitely doesn't fix hearts. Sorry is just a word to make people feel better about themselves, knowing they did as much as they could. Or so they tell themselves.

--------------------------------------------------------------

**That's it so far! What do you think? Comment! Review! Add to story alerts! That's the only way I'll know people are actually reading it. I need compliments/constructive critisicm/ect! Now! Do it now! I'll update as soon as I can and I have anough reviews.**


	2. 1,000 Times A Day

**Disclaimer: Despite my previous attempts to win over the ownership of Twilight...I don't. All the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I am merely borrowing them for my own writing.**

_**Even though it makes me cry, it's my favorite time to be alive. And all I know is I feel lost without you.-1000 Times A Day; The Early November**_

--------------------------------------------------------------

It seemed like the day couldn't possibly go any slower. I was suprised how well I got through all my classes, however. I didn't start crying once. At lunch, I quietly sat with Angela, Jessica, Mike, and everyone else, with Edward and Alice at the other end of the table, most likely having a silent conversation. No one made much of an effort talking to me, catching my emotions at the moment. Finally, after what felt like forever, the day was over. I quickly walked out to my truck, unlocking the door, and sitting down. I put the keys in the ignition only to hear a horrid sputtering noise. I turned the keys again, hearing the same cry of surrender, before it died. I could already feel the hot tears in my eyes. I repeated the previous steps, but this time the car didn't even bother giving the sound of it's death. My truck was already dead. I set my head down on the stearing wheel trying to think of a way to get home. Suddenly, I heard a light tap to my left and turned my head to find Edward knocking on my window. I manually rolled down my window angrilly, just wanting to get away as fast I could.

"You need a ride?" He asked me gently.

"I'm fine, Edward. I think I'd rather walk." I said, looking over his shoulder to avoid looking into his beautiful topaz eyes. He looked pointedly up at the sky. Dark clouds of grey were threatening to start raining any second.

"Bella, you can't walk all the way home in this weather. You'll catch a cold." Edward said.

"I'll just call Jacob or something, then." I said without thinking. I instantly regretted it when I saw the hurt written across Edward's face. He quickly erased all emotions, but it was too late. I had already seen it. I was hurting him. Like he had hurt me. No, scratch that. Nothing I could do would make him hurt as much as I had. Hurt didn't even describe what I felt. I was dead. I had been murdered. Until Jacob had saved me. I had become alive again. Or more like some half alive thing. I was ok, but not good. I could be happy, but it would disappear as soon as he was gone. I couldn't be genuinely happy without Edward. But now he was here, and I still wasn't happy. I was still broken beyond repair. Like my truck.

"Bella," He whispered. I didn't respond, knowing there wasn't much else I could do, so I just angrilly opened the door, hitting him in the stomach with it. He just quietly chuckled at my attempt of causing him pain and walked at human speed to his car where Alice was already waiting.

"Hi, Bella!" She said brightly, dancing her way into the car. I just grunted a hello before sliding into my seat, arms crossed across my chest. Edward was already in his seat, starting the car.

"Put on you seatbelt."

"Put on yours." I replied. Edward just sighed.

"Bella, please." I loved how my name rolled off his cold tongue, how his velvety voice wrapped around it. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. _No! Stop it, Bella. You shouldn't be thinking things like that. You don't love him anymore, and he doesn't love you either._ _**But I do love him.**__ No you don't!__** Yes I do. And he says he loves me. **__He also said he didn't love you. How do you know which one is true?__** The look in his eyes. He means it.**__ Well it doesn't matter, you don't love him anymore.__** But-**_

My fighting thoughts were cut off by Edward's voice.

"Are you ok, Bella?" Great. He had to say my name again. I must have looked rather strange, fighting with myself in my own head. I think I'm going insane.

"I'm just peachy!" I retorted. We rolled up into my driveway, and I quickly got out, slamming the door behind me.

"Bye, Bella!" Alice said, moving into the front seat where I had been sitting.

"I'll take you're truck to Rosalie if that'll help at all. I'm not sure if she can fix it though. That truck was going to die pretty soon anyway. It's lived a long life." Edward told me. I just continued walking up the steps to the door, ignoring him. I really didn't care what he did, as long as he would just stop speaking to me. I couldn't take hearing his voice. It was like Chinese water torture, slowly driving me insane, knowing I would have to hear it, and causing me excrutiating pain. I entered the house, slamming the door behind me. I waited until I heard the nearly silent sound of his silver Volvo roll away before I ran upstairs to my room, letting the tears roll. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't he have just never left? Or never came back? Or just never come to Forks at all? It's just all too hard. I love him so much, but I can't! I can't love him! Not after what he did to me! Any other girl in the world would hate him right now. But I'm not any other girl, and I haven't fallen in love with any other boy. I can never hate Edward no matter what he does, I love him.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I sat in my bed for a long time, before hearing Charlie's cruiser pull up the drive way. I hadn't started dinner yet! I quickly wiped the tears off my face and ran downstairs to meet him.

"Hey, Bells!" Charlie said as he walked in the door.

"Hey Dad. I'm sorry, I forgot to start dinner, I was just uh-" What am I supposed to say? I've been crying in my room all day? I'm morbidly depressed because the person I love more than anything in the world is back, and I can't kiss him anymore, I can't lay in bed with him anymore, here him hum my lullaby anymore? No, I couldn't say any of those things. "distracted, I guess."

Charlie seemed to notice my red eyes suddenly, and his happiness seemed to disappear. Emotions weren't really his thing.

"That's alright, we can order some pizza." He said frowning, before thowing some light words of concern. "You ok?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm uh, I'm great Dad." I lied. It wasn't a complete lie. I wasn't dying of some horrible disease or sickness or anything. Unless you consider a broken, severed heart a sickness. In that case, I was horrible.

"Ok, well I guess I'll call the pizza place." Charlie said awkwardly. I just nodded and headed back up to my room.

As I walked across my room to my desk, I noticed a strange sound beneath my feet. It sounded different from the rest of the floor. Thicker in a way. Weird. I walked across the room again and sure enough, I heard the same sound. I sat down, next to where I heard the noise and knocked on the floor. Sounded normal to me. I continued knocking in the area I heard it when the sound came once again. It was hard to describe just...different. On that floor board, I noticed the edge came out a bit. I looked around me, not exactly sure why. No one was in the room watching me, but still. I reached towards the corner sticking up, and pulled as hard as a could. After a bit of stuggle, I pulled the whole piece of wood up to find I was right, it was different. I reached my hand into the floor, to find a pile of shiny thick paper. Well not paper, but a pile of photographs. The photographs I had taken of Edward. The one on top was the picture Charlie had taken of the two of us. He looked beautiful as usual. His hair just a bit disheveled and his topaz eyes shining beautifully. He stood straight faced, next to me, looking awkward attempting to smile. I looked like a worm next to a beautiful humming bird. And that was about right too, humming birds are supposed to eat worms. You never hear of them falling in _love_ with worms. I continued flipping through the pictures, and then reached my hand in once again, to find the CD Edward had made for me. I almost started crying again. I slipped the CD cautiously into the CD Player, hearing my lullaby playing. That's when the tears really did flow over. Geez, I had been crying a lot today. I silently sat, hearing the sound of the keys of the piano, flying into my ears gracefully, wrapping their melody around me heart like so many times before. I could remember all the nights Edward had lay in bed with me, humming my lullaby, as I drifted peacefully into sleep. Good sleep too, not the excuse for sleep I have now. I would sleep soundly through the night, happilly, with no screaming. I was safe in Edward's arms. I was safe, and I was loved.

I continued going through the floorboard, finding all of the other things that had gone "missing" after Edward left. He had said I would forget about him. Hardly. Now I wish I would've forgotten about him. Things would be so much easier, I wouldn't have to feel all of this hurt, this pain. I would be happy again. But how can one be happy without their other half? That's a good question. I didn't find out the answer though, because the doorbell rang, and Charlie called me downstairs for the pizza.

We ate in silence as usual, before Charlie cleared his throat several times as if he was trying to say something, but just couldn't begin.

"Are you ok, Dad?" I asked. He had a look on his face as if he was trying to decide whether or not he should say something. This couldn't be good.

"Yeah, I was actually going to ask you the same thing." He replied.

"I'm fine." I said automatically. Charlie sighed.

"Bells...I don't think you are. You seem really upset even now that Edward's back." I cringed at his name. "You...you were so hurt after he left and...almost not even alive when he left, and now...you don't seem to be that much better. I just...I want to know _really_ if you're ok. I hate seeing you like this. When you started spending time with Jacob you were better, and you were happy again, and when Edward got back, I hated him of course, but I thought that you would be happy again, and you're not."

"I'm just...I'm having a hard time right now. I just...I love him," Charlie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It must not be very easy for him to hear about me loving Edward. Especially if he doesn't exactly like him all too much at the moment. "but I don't know if I can trust him again. I want to so badly, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of him leaving again, because I can't handle it if he leaves me again. And he says it was a mistake. He says he was horrible without me-possibly worse than I was-and that he loves me, but I just...I'm scared." I was suprised at everything I had just said. It just kind of all came flowing out of my mouth, all of things I had been thinking but hadn't spoken out loud. I definately wasn't planning on saying any of that. Charlie seemed suprised too, because he was silent again. Finally, he spoke.

"I just want you to be happy, Bells. And, " he paused as if to think about whether or not he really wanted to say what he was going to say. "if that means that Edward makes me happy, I think you need to let him. I know he hurt you, I saw how that effected you, but if he's sorry about what he did-really sorry-then you need to accept it. He didn't come back her without a reason. I've seen him around you Bella and...I think he really, well...he loves you."

My eyes glistened over for the umpteenth time that night. Charlie was telling me he actually _wanted_ me to forgive Edward! I still wasn't sure though. I know he's sorry, or at least he says he's sorry, and it was a mistake but...he did it to protect me, and if he felt he needed to protect me again, he would do it, because he wants me to be safe. But I'm not safe without him, and if he loved me he would understand that, and he doesn't so that must mean he doesn't love me. Right?

--------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up screaming, and sweaty as usual. I had gotten used to it, but it didn't mean I wasn't still afraid of my dream. Or more nightmare, really. The emptiness, the loneliness, it was all just too much to bare. I was suprised however when I saw a dark figure in the rocking chair across the room. It seemed like it was-struggling. The figure was shaking rapidly as if it was about to have a seizure or something. It was then when I realized that the figure was _him_. It was Edward. He had seen me squirming, heard me talking and screaming in my sleep. He saw what he had done to me.

"Edward?" I spoke, my voice cracking at the sudden use. He didn't respond. "Edward, please answer me. Are you ok?"

"I am so sorry." He choked out. "I...I thought I was helping you, protecting you. I didn't understand last night how _much_ I really hurt you. I...I don't know how I can live with myself after doing this to you."

I slowly got out of my bed, shivering as my bare feet touched the cold floor. I walked over to the chair and looked Edward directly in the eyes.

"Please, don't do this to yourself. You didn't know, you didn't want to hurt me."

"I should've known. I should've known how this would effect you. I don't deserve to exist. I'm even worse than a monster-I am a cruel monster." He whispered, his eyes completely blank. If vampires could cry, I'm sure he would be crying right now.

"You're not a monster." I said simply.

"Don't lie to me. Don't try to spare my feelings, I don't deserve it. I deserve for you to hate me more than anything in the world right now, for you to hate me with every particle of your being."

"I don't hate you, I could never hate you." I said before sitting myself cautiously on Edward's lap in the chair, burrying my face into his neck. "I will never ever hate you. I will always love you I'm just...having a hard time loving you right now. But I do, I really do. I just don't know how much I trust you at the moment. Just give me time." I could feel the salty tears rolling down my face. Edward losely wrapped his marble arms around me, as if afraid of hurting me by the slightest touch.

"I can give you all the time you need." Edward murmered in my ear. "I have plenty of time."

--------------------------------------------------------------

**What do you think? Good, bad? Not sure exactly where this is going, but I'm working on it. To ReLeeS: I think Jacob might make an appearance, but I'm not completely sure yet...I am definately considering it. Thanks to everyone who left reviews/ added alerts!**


	3. Forever and Always

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, all of the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: Thanks for all of the reviews and alerts! I really appreciate it! Sorry it took so long to update, I have been really busy lately because we started a new semester, and then I got really sick and missed a week of school and had to do a bunch of make up work. Now we're doing all this important stuff that goes into my "permanent record" or whatever so I've just not had a lot of time to update. Sorry again!**

_**And I stare at the phone he still hasn't called and then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all-Forever and Always; Taylor Swift**_

--------------------------------------------------------------

The week went on similar to the first day. Edward would quietly walk me to my classes and say soft hello each morning when he picked me up (Rosalie had been unable to fix my truck unfortunately. It was a very sad loss). I would say hello back, and keep quiet the rest of the ride. Alice would occasionally babble on about something or another, but didn't seem to mind too much when I didn't respond. I would wake up each night, drenched in cold sweat, Edward in the rocking chair trying his best not to show any pain that I knew he felt. I would try my best to comfort him, despite he wasn't the only one who needed it, and he would lie down next to me in the bed silently, where I would fall back asleep. He didn't hum my lullaby to me anymore, and I was grateful. I wouldn't be able to stand that. Not yet.

I wasn't suprised when he came to pick me up as usual, but I was suprised when we arrived at school to find none other than Jacob waiting for me by the entrance. Edward let out a deep growl as I flung open my door and ran to him. Edward was immediately by my side. Jacob gave me a body crushing hug before holding me at arms length examining my whole body.

"What are you doing, Jake?" I asked confused, still smiling. I hadn't seen Jacob since the day I left for Italy. I had called his home and left quite a few messages the first days back, but I finally just gave up and waited until he would talk to me again.

"Are you ok? Are you hurt?" Jacob asked, turning me around to examine my back. "Did he hurt you?" He added in a hushed voice, but we both knew Edward could hear him.

"What? No! Why would you think that. I mean...not like that. No." I said, pushing Jacob away. "I'm fine, Jake. How are you? Why haven't you talked to me? I know you don't like Edward, but why have you been avoiding me? I've missed you." I glanced at Edward, who was right next to me with a hard look on his face. He actually looked scary for once.

"I'm fine, Bella. Are you guys still..." Jake drifted off looking sad and uncomfortable.

"No..I mean yes...I mean, well I don't really know. Not yet, but maybe." I replied, trying to make sense of what Edward and I actually were. Jacob just nodded, looking angry. I noticed his hands shaking a bit. "Oh, please don't be mad, Jacob! Please just...no we're not okay? Not right now we're not."

"Bella, he hurt you. You can't go back to how you were. What's to say he won't hurt you again?" Jacob said very softly.

"I don't know." I whispered. I looked over at Edward again who looked like he was in deep, exctruciating pain. "Are you ok, Edward?"

"I'm fine." He gasped. "You're little mutt just has some vivid memories, that's all."

"Oh, Jake! Please stop! Don't think like that, I'm fine. Or...I'm gonna be, ok?" He just shugged. I had a feeling he wasn't gonna stop thinking his thoughts. I suddenly heard the first bell. "I have to go Jake. Please call me or something. Or I'll go to La Push and see you. Just...please don't be upset with me, ok?"

"Yeah, whatever, Bells. I'll see you later." Jacob walked back to the parking lot and I saw him get on his motorcycle...the motorcycle we had fixed together. Or more, he fixed as I handed him things. But still.

I walked quickly to my first class, Edward right next to me having no trouble catching up to me.

"I don't like you spending time with that dog. It's dangerous." Edward said to me as we sat down in our seats.

"Oh, you mean like how you're dangerous?" I retorted.

"That's different. He could lose control at any moment. You saw his hands shaking. And he's still young. All it takes is one little fight and you could be dead!'' Edward said through clenched teeth.

"I think I'll take my chances. Besides, Jacob would never hurt me." I said. _Like you did._ I added in my head. It was times like this that I was glad Edward couldn't read my mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home, I instantly checked the messages to see if Jacob had called yet. He hadn't. I quickly went to begin my homework to distract me. Edward had a look of deep thought throughout the whole day and didn't talk to anyone except Alice. They seemed to have a quiet, worried conversation at lunch that I wasn't included in. It was most likely about Jacob of course. I really didn't care though. It wasn't Edward's decision who I hang out with. Just because Jacob's a werewolf doesn't mean I can be his friend. It's just some stupid prejudice all the vampires have against the werewolves and vice versa. If anything, Edward should be thanking Jacob and the werewolves from saving me from Laurent, and continuing to look out for Victoria. But of course, Edward doesn't care about _who's_ protecting me as long as I'm safe. Ha! What a filthy hipocrite.

I decided to do my homework to distract me. I chose trig since it was my worst subject and required the most thought. That of course didn't seem to help because 20 minutes later all I had done was copy the equation onto my paper and write aimless nonsence all over the rest of it. I crumpled up the wasted paper and threw it in the trash can across the room, missing by 2 feet. I sighed but didn't bother picking it back up. It was just a stupid piece of paper, it wouldn't hurt to leave it there. Like me...just a stupid weak human. But it did hurt to leave me where I was. It hurt extrutiatingly. I sighed once again and put the wrinkled piece of paper in the garbage, after smoothing it out as best as I could. I actually considered apologizing to it when I realized what I was doing.

Just then, the phone rang. I instantly ran out of the room, thundering down the stairs, falling over the last 3 steps. I quickly raised myself off the ground, forgetting I had even fallen by the time I was to the phone.

"Hello?" I answered, breathless.

"Bella?" I sighed, it was Charlie.

"Yeah, Dad? What's up?" I asked leaning against the counter in disappointment. I had been hoping it would be Jacob.

"I'm gonna be late coming home tonight. I have some work to finish up, so I was just calling to let you know. You don't have to worry about dinner, I'll just grab something for myself on my way back home." I could hear Charlie rustling papers around as he spoke to me.

"Okay that's fine Dad." I replied, a bit upset. If I didn't have to worry about cooking for Charlie, that meant I didn't have cooking to distract me. And that meant I actually had to think, which was not something I particularly wanted to do.

" 'K Bells. I'll see you later. Bye." I hung up without a reply.

I sighed before walking to the living room, plopping down on the sofa. I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV hoping for a distraction, but knowing I wouldn't find one. I finally settled on some family sitcom and tried my very best to focus only on the the actors and dialogue. I failed. Not five minutes into the show I was letting my mind wander back to Jacob. Ugh. It was bad enough not being able to get Edward out of my mind, but Jacob too? How is that fair? I sighed for the umpteenth time that afternoon. Why hadn't Jacob called yet? I'm pretty sure it was a mutual agreement for him to call me tonight. I know he didn't forget. So finally, I just decided I might as well call myself.

I stood up and walked over to the phone, picking up and hearing the dial tone. I dialed Jacob's number and heard the average ringing. I wasn't really expecting anyone to answer, or at least for Jacob to actually be around, but sure enough, the phone picked up.

"Hello?" I smiled. Jacob had actually answered the phone for the first time in history.

"Hi! It's me. I mean, me as in Bella. Just in case you couldn't tell. You didn't call so I just thought that I should-" I was rambling. I was just so suprised it was Jacob answering the phone and happy to be talking to him minus Edward staring menacingly at him that I didn't really know what to say.

"I was going to call you just now." Jacob laughed.

"Oh. Well then..." Now what was I supposed to say?

"So..." Oh great. An awkward silence. Just what I needed. I can finally talk to Jacob and this is what happens? We can't think of anything to say? Well that's just lovely.

"Hey, Jake. How 'bout you come over here? I would drive to La Push but my truck kind of well...it died. Forever." I sighed at the end of my sentence. I was really missing my truck.

"It died? Are you sure it can't be fixed? I can take a look at it if you want." Jacob offered.

"Thanks, but it's done. Rosalie already tried to fix it and she said there's nothing anyone can do." Jacob grunted.

"Oh, right, of course. The bloodsuckers all know everything about everything, right?" He said with anger ringing through his voice.

"No, they don't Jake. Can we not talk about this right now? Can you just come over here, please? I want to see you."

"Yeah, I guess. I'll be over there in a bit."

"Thanks, Jake. Bye."

"Yeah, bye." He replied before hanging up the phone.


	4. Rescued

**Disclaimer: Okay, you wanna know a secret? Are you sure? Are you ready? Shh, okay here it is. ****I don't own Twilight.**

_**I'll be strong, but whatever you do, please don't get me rescued.-Rescued; Jack's Mannequin**_

--------------------------------------------------------------

I saw Jacob's Rabbit coming down the street from my spot by the window. I ran out the door and stood in the driveway, where he pulled up, right in Charlie's spot. He stepped out of the car and walked directly into the house without a hello. I followed him in, looking around the street for any sign of Edward before closing the door behind me.

Jacob had already sat himself down in the only single chair in the room as I sat down on the couch.

"Okay, Jake I know that you're mad but please at least let me explain." I said once I had sat down.

"Fine." He said simply. His face looked so...hard. So angry. I felt a pang of guilt rush over me. He had sounded much happier on the phone, half and hour before, but now it seemed as if all of his happiness had gone to play a hard game of hide and seek. Unfortunately, I was never good at that game.

"So, you know that Alice came obviously. So I guess I'll just start from there. You know some of the stuff I'll tell you but I'll restate it anyway." He just nodded. "So, Alice er, saw me jump off the cliff and thought I was trying to commit suicide. Y'know because of...Edward. So she came to try to save me, or at least figure out what happened. Of course, I was alive so that was a relief I guess, but Rosalie didn't know that and told Edward about my, um, incident so he thought I was dead. So he went to Italy to kill himself basically..."

--------------------------------------------------------------

I told Jacob the rest of the story leading up to now. When I told him about Jane attacking Edward he seemed to lighten up a bit, but that wasn't exactly the kind of happiness I was looking for. He kept quiet mostly except for a few grunts here and there. It made me feel uncomfortable him being so quiet. I wasn't used to Jake just letting me talk without any imput of any sort.

"So now we're just kind of...awkward I guess. I mean, I don't know what to do." I finished quietly.

"Leave his sorry ass, of course!" Jacob exclaimed finally. I let out a sigh.

"But I just can't do that, Jake." I replied softly, looking out the window. "I know that it's hard for you to understand and I know that you don't agree, but despite everything, I still love him. I can't just act like nothing ever happened and pretend I don't love him. I can't just live a lie."

"But you don't have to pretend." He said a bit quieter this time. "Just do it. After awhile, it'll be true. Haven't you heard? Time heals all wounds."

"I don't think that's true, Jacob." I said.

"You don't need to waste your life away with that blood sucker! What good has he done you? He's put you in physical and emotional danger, Bells."

"Can you honestly tell me that if you really truly loved someone, you would just leave them and let them and yourself hurt just because it wasn't the "best thing". Just because they had made a mistake?"

Jacob didn't reply. I hadn't really expected him to though.

"Everybody makes mistakes, Jacob." **(A/N: Everybody has those days! Everybody knows what, what I'm talkin' 'bout, everybody gets that way!)**

"Well everybody isn't a filthy leech that could kill you!"

"You act like you aren't dangerous either." I mumbled under my breath. Unfortunately, Jacob had heard me.

"I never said that, but I have control over myself, Bella! When have I ever hurt you? I have done nothing but protect you these last few months. I don't even know where you would be right now without me. Actually, I do. You would be dead, Bella. You would have died long ago and it wouldn't have been my fault, either! It would have been your beloved _Edward's_ fault. That vampire in the woods would've killed you! And here you are, and you don't even care! You sit here and tell me that you _love_ him and that he made a _mistake_. Bella, a mistake is calling at seven when you said you'd call at six. It's writing down a dentist appointment for the twelfth instead of the twentieth. A mistake is not leaving someone to practically die of depression and then just show up deciding you still love them. That is a crime, Bella! So don't give him community service instead of a life sentence!"

"I'm sorry." I whispered, my voice cracking. I had told myself that no matter what, I wasn't going to cry but by the time I felt the moisture in my eyes, it was too late. The tears were already rolling. "I never wanted for all of this crap to happen. I just can't help it, Jacob. I love him, and I don't want to, but I can't help it!"

"Oh, God, I'm sorry Bells." Jacob said, his shoulders relaxing as he came to sit down beside me, wrapping his arms around me. I buried my face into his white t-shirt, soaking it through. "I'm just trying to protect you. I don't want you to get hurt again. You were so terrible when he left, and I just don't want that to happen to you again."

"I know." I hiccuped.

We just stayed like that for awhile. Me, sobbing into him as he stroked my hair. Finally, I sat up and wiped my eyes.

"I'm trying, Jake, I really am. It's just so hard. I can't stop loving him. It's like trying to make the world stop spinning. You just can't."

"But you can always try."

--------------------------------------------------------------

I was surprised to find Edward sitting on my bed when I went up to my room after Jacob left.

"What are you doing here?" I gasped.

"It really wasn't very responsible of you to have him here alone. He could have hurt you. You need to stop putting yourself in danger all the time." Edward said, not answering my question. Somehow his voice was casual but still tight in worry and aggrivation.

"It isn't very responsible of me to have you here, but what do you know, you're here." I said sarcastically. He didn't reply, just picked up my snow globe from my bedside table, shaking it around. The glittery snow swirled around the snow man whose nose had long since broken off. It swirled around with the snow before bouncing off the snow man's hat and landing on the bottom of the snow globe. "You didn't answer my question." I pointed out.

"Alice had a vision. Or more so, lack of one. You see, it worried her deeply when instead of seeing you, she saw nothing. You were suddenly just blank, gone."

"Oh." I said quietly.

"She's discovered that she can't see the wolves or the people they are around. Yet another reason you need to stay away from them."

"No." I said. "I'm not going to stay away from them, Edward. I am going to see Jake if I want to."

Edward sighed. "But you can't, Bella. It is dangerous and I will not put you in any more danger than necessary."

I was not in the mood for Edward's crap at the moment. I had already had to deal with Jake's and I really just wanted to lay down and rest.

"Then just leave me again! Go off and live your crappy life without me so you can save me. Go rescue me Edward! Be a stupid knight in shining armour! Well here's some news, _Edward_, I don't want to be saved. I want to just live my life how I choose, and how I want." I yelled, smacking the snow globe to the floor before sitting down hautilly. "I am tired of everyone always worrying about my _safety_ and what's _best for me._ Last time I checked, I was me, which means that I should have some say in how I live my life!"

I turned over on my stomach, pulling the pillow over my head.

"Sorry." I heard Edward's muffled voice say. I sighed. After a couple of minutes I peaked out from under the pillow.

"I just want things to somewhat normal for once. Can't I just spend time with my best friend without having to worry about you getting angry? And can't I spend time with you without him doing the same?"

"I don't think that's possible, Bella." Edward said. His eyes were sad. I recalled what Jacob had said to me earlier.

"But you can always try."

--------------------------------------------------------------

**A/N: Okay, what did you think? I know that Jacob would have smelled Edward in Bella's room but oh well. When I read this it seemed to go by a lot quicker than when I wrote it but I don't know. And sorry (again) for taking so much time to update. I am currently tired of school. I've been filling out registration forms, doing a bajillion big projects, having some family problems, and school conferences. But on a lighter note, tomorrow my friends and I are going to the Twilight release party at Hot Topic at midnight! And my spring break started today because of conferences so I'll have more time to write!**


	5. The Point

**Disclaimer: So currently, I do not own Twilight. Oh, but I will, I will. Mwahahahaha!**

**A/N: So, I lied. I never wrote over spring break. I couldn't think of anything. But, I'm writing now, so that counts, right ;)**

_**I'll tell you one thing, we made history, you and me.-The Point; EatMeWhileI'mHot!**_

--------------------------------------------------------------

"Edward," I sighed. We were sitting in his Volvo outside of my house. We had been sitting there for several minutes. Edward had just been dropping me off at home like he did every day, but I didn't get up. I had been thinking for the past couple of days about what Jacob had told me. _But you can always try._

"Yes, Bella?" Edward said softly. His velvet whisper seemed to swirl in the air, resting there.

"I'm sorry. I've been a snobby person lately. And I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to appologize for."

"But I do." I insisted. "I've just been making everything harder for everyone and that isn't really fair of me. So I am going to _try_ to just do things better and not be so difficult if I can help it."

"Bella, no one's making you do anything. You've done nothing wrong. I'm the one that has caused all of the problems." He said, truning to look at me. His melted gold eyes seemed to scorch mine, but I held his gaze, despite my increase in heartbeat speed.

"Stop it, Edward. You need to stop putting all of the blame on yourself. Yes, you left. You can't go back and change it though, so we both have to just deal with the outcomes of you leaving, and I have not been doing that. I have been inconsiderate of everyone, only focusing on myself, and that is not okay. So, I am sorry, and don't you dare tell me not to be because I am. Accept it."

Edward let out a sigh.

"Fine," He said and I rested back in my seat, accomplished. "But it's still my fault."

"Ugh! You are so difficult!" I said, getting out of the car. When he didn't get out too, I looked pointedly at him.

"You coming, or not?"

He raised his eyebrows at me, obviously surprised that I was inviting him in. Usually, it was strictly pick up, drop off, comfort after bad dreams. This was part of my way of trying to make things better. I was going to stop with my rude attitude towards Edward and try to make most of what we had. I wasn't quite ready to go into the next step into our relationship, but I was going to at least be his friend.

We walked into the house and I headed to the kitchen, him following inhumanly quietly.

He sat down at the small dining room table as I opened up the fridge, looking for a snack. I sat down with him after getting myself a stick of string cheese, and explained my tactics.

"I'm just going to do my very best to make things as simple as I can for everyone. I am going to be...friends with you...for now at least, and I am going to try to talk to Jacob and be his friend again." I explained.

Edward began to protest, but I raised my hand in the "stop" position.

"I won't hang out with him alone at first, Edward. I'll invite him and Billy over or something with Charlie. I just want him to see that I still want to be his friend, and that he needs to do the same as me. _Try_." I said before adding, "He's the one who told me I should anyway. So I am."

"Bella, I don't think that's such a good idea. You shouldn't be getting yourself involved with him." Edward said, pleadingly.

"Well, I shouldn't be getting myself involved with you, either, but I am." I said, and got up, throwing away my string cheese wrapper.

"Bella," He began to protest again.

"No, Edward. I am trying to be less difficult, and you are not helping at all. Please, just let me do this. If it's a mistake, then it's a mistake. I'll learn from it, and it's not your job to shield me from learning."

"Bella," He began again.

"Edward," I said in a horrid imitation of his voice.

He just sighed again.

"Fine." He said. "But I do not like it and you are not to be alone with him _ever_. And you must always let me know when you are going to be with him. And I have the right to make him leave if necessary. And if you are hurt in any way, whether it be a paper cut," I cringed at the word "or a broken bone, I _will_ hurt him, whether it was his fault or not."

I rolled my eyes.

"Fine."

--------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie was surprised to find Edward and me sitting at the living room coffee table doing homework. He hadn't seen Edward around since the return from Italy, so it was a bit of a shock seeing us perfectly content together. There was a larger space than usual between us but other than that, we were fine. After my miniature speech I decided that friends study together. In truth, I was the only one actually studying because Edward already knew all the information and he had finished all of his work in five minutes. When Charlie walked in he was helping me with my calculus.

Charlie huffed as he hung up his coat and I didn't miss the fact that he kept his gun around his waist. Edward didn't either because he let out a soft chuckle.

"Hi, Dad."

"Hello, Charlie."

Charlie just huffed again.

"Um, dinner's in the oven. I'm making lasagna. It should be ready in a couple minutes."

Still no reply. The TV had been flipped on and some sports event was on. _How surprising._

The buzzer went off in the kitchen and I stood up with Edward behind me.

After calling Charlie in for dinner, we ate in complete silence. Edward just sat politely in the living room to give us our "privacy". As if he couldn't hear us perfectly.

"I suppose you're back together with _him._" Charlie said as he attacked his lasagna roughly.

"No." I said simply. He looked up at me. "We're just friends for now."

Charlie's mood seemed a bit better for the rest of the night.

--------------------------------------------------------------


	6. If I Only Had the Heart

**Disclaimer: So you know that weird series with the vampires and werewolves that all of these crazy girls are obsessed with? Twilight or something. Yeah, I don't own it.**

_**I know I sound repetitive, 'cause I'm repeating myself, and I'm competitive, I want you all by yourself. - If I Only Had the Heart; The Maine**_

* * *

And so Edward and I were friends. Good friends. But as much as I knew this was easiest and what was best for me, I still wanted to be something more with Edward. I really did love him. It was pure happiness to wake up with him beside me, his arms around me when I woke up from a nightmare, but it was another kind of torture not to have him kiss the pain away. I just couldn't win.

With Edward came the rest of the Cullens and I spent a lot of my time at the beautiful house that was once again my second home. But with that thought came the memories of my _other_ second home.

Jacob was ignoring me once again. Phone calls had not been returned and dinner invitations were declined. I had tried to get Charlie to pass notes for Billy to give to Jacob but Billy had either not passed them along or Jacob just hadn't bothered replying. Even though it was most likely the latter, I still hoped Billy was just keeping the letters. Somehow I didn't think that was the case though. I still hoped.

So as happy as I was, I was still going through patches. I often wished that things would just go back to before the infamous baseball game and I didn't know of the amazing friendship I was missing out on. Edward and I were simply perfect and happy, Jacob was just an old friend that I didn't see often, and there were no sadistic vampires chasing me down to kill me. Life had once been so easy.

"This is just too easy."

I look up to find Emmett completely annihilating everything in sight on his Xbox game. A wide grin was spread across his face as he pressed buttons rapidly.

Edward didn't even look up as he played with my hair.

"Emmett," he said in a slightly annoyed tone. "Do you have to have the television on full blast? I would really prefer not to hear the sound of people's limbs being blown off while I spend time with Bella."

"Then go to her house!" Emmett shouted over the explosive noises.

Edward simply sighed before lifting me up in his arms and racing me up the stairs to his room, gently setting me down on his newly acquired bed.

"You do know I have legs, right?" I asked lightly as I rearranged his gold pillows so I could sit up.

Edward shrugged.

"Why use them more than necessary?"

I smiled at up at him.

"I ask myself that question every day." I replied sarcastically.

His cherry lips curved up into a crooked smile and I became more than aware of position we were in.

Edward's arms and legs were on either side of me and he was holding himself up just above me. His bronze hair flopped around his pale face and his dark eyes smoldered into mine. If only I were to lift my heard a just little bit and-

Edward suddenly pulled himself away. In less than a second he had repositioned himself beside me and a foot away.

"Are you sure you can't read my mind?" I sighed.

Edward just smiled sadly before changing the subject.

"Alice says that this Wednesday through Friday will be sunny so we're going to take advantage of that and go hunting."

My once blissful moment had just taken a sharp turn and I sucked in a quick breath. The gaping hole in my chest that I had thought was gone, had just returned and I suddenly had a hard time breathing.

But I held on. I had to. Edward hadn't gone hunting for who knows how long and I knew that each moment he spent with me burned his throat with a painful fire. I wasn't going to make him go through pain just because I was.

I hadn't been away from Edward for more than several hours since we had come back from Italy and just the thought of him being away for days at a time brought me physical pain. I wrapped my arms around myself trying desperately to hold myself together and convince myself that nothing was going to happen.

_What if he doesn't come back?_

"Bella? Bella. Bella!"

I could hear the angelic voice but I just wasn't responding.

_What if he doesn't come back?_

"Bella! Are you okay? Bella!"

"I'm fine." I gasped. Edward's arms had joined mine around my body and he was stroking my hair, a determined and pained look painted over his face.

"Never mind, Bella. I'll stay with you. It's okay. Calm down. Everything is okay." Edward murmured soothingly.

_What if he doesn't come back?_

"I'm going to stay with you."

"No." I said, trying my best to put aside the dark hole in my chest. "Go hunting. You can't stay here and longer, it's too painful for you. Your eyes have been black for weeks."

"I'm not just going to leave you here when you're in pain."

"I'm fine, Edward." I insisted.

"No, you're not! Just the mention of me leaving and look at you!"

I carefully unwrapped my arms, clenching my eyes shut as I tried my best to keep my wincing to a minimal.

"I'm fine, see." I said again, holding my arms up.

Edward sighed.

"I'm not going to hurt you any more than I already have." I tried to cut in but he held a hand up. "Leaving you was the worst mistake I have ever made in my existence as I have said before. You could not do anything to deserve the hurt I put you through. I'm not going to let you go through that again just for my own selfish needs. I. Am. Staying. With. You."

"Edward, just go hunting. It's not selfish, it's necessary." I said. My hole had shrunken to a smaller size and pain was still there, but more bearable. Now I was exasperated and annoyed.

"No. I'm staying with you."

"Please." I look deeply into Edward's coal eyes and held his gaze.

Edward looked away.

"We'll talk about this later." He said.

"We'll talk about his now."

"Stop being stubborn, Isabella."

"Stop being ridiculous, Edward."

He raised a hand to the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath.

"Bella," he said at last, his voice soft. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I know leaving you hurts you, so I won't leave."

"I understand Edward, I really do, but you have to be reasonable. You have to hunt at some point. I know that being around me is getting harder and harder. I'll be okay. Besides, what's a couple days to six months?" I tried to laugh at my own words but it came out as a choking sound instead.

"I'm not leaving you alone to just go back to how you were...before." We both flinched at his words.

"Edward, please, just go hunting. I can survive without you for a couple days."

Edward didn't reply.

* * *

Several days had passed and it was now Tuesday. The next day was going to be sunny and I knew that Edward could not go to school and that he needed to hunt. We hadn't spoken about it since I had...freaked out but I knew it had to come up again.

"So what time are you leaving tomorrow?" I asked, ignoring the tear through my heart. My voice quavered a little bit, but other that I seemed perfectly fine. I said a quick prayer thanking God in my head.

Edward glared at me and with his eyes so black, it was actually a bit scary. But not really.

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are, Edward. Seriously, I'll be fine. You need to hunt, just go. Besides, you could use some quality time with your family. You haven't really gotten any since you came back."

"Bella," He sighed.

I rolled my eyes, trying to lighten the situation.

"Just go, Edward. See, I'm much better. You just surprised me the other day, that's all. I just wasn't expecting that turn in the conversation. I'll be perfectly fine while you're gone."

"Bella," He sighed. "I can't leave you alone here."

And suddenly I had an epiphany.

"I am the smartest person alive!" I exclaimed.

"What?" Edward asked, confused.

"You don't have to leave me alone. You can leave me with the only person who can distract me from the pain of you leaving." I grinned.

Edward looked at me questioningly before his face turned dark in anger from what he now understood.

"No! You can't be with him alone!"

"I won't be! Billy will be there! Besides, we already agreed that I can be with him as long as we're not alone."

"Billy can't stop Jacob from hurting you." Edward glared.

"I can invite him over here and then Billy _and_ Charlie will be here." I reasoned.

"Bella."

"You know what? I think I'll call him right now!" I said. I quickly grabbed the cell phone Edward insisted I have and dialed Jacob's number. After seven rings, Billy answered.

"Hello?" He grunted.

"Billy? It's Bella." I said.

"Um, Jake's not here right now-" He began.

"That's okay. Would you like to come over this week? Bring Jacob too, because I'll be _all alone_ for the next couple of days and I could really use some company. Y'know as_ protection_ maybe." I hinted.

"Alone?"

"Yeah, alone." I answered.

Billy was silent for a moment, probably thinking.

"Sure. I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you, Billy. Bye." I said before snapping the phone shut.

"Maybe I really _should_ stay home. I can't have you putting yourself in danger too." Edward sighed.

"Oh, my God, Edward! Are you kidding me? So what are you going to do? Never hunt again? That's just silly and you know it. I. Will. Be. Fine. End of discussion."

With that, I stood up and left the room.

* * *

Edward apparently went off and tattled on me to Alice because she called me later that night to tell me that she wouldn't be hunting until later in the week when Edward got back. Until then she would stay with me, or more so, I would stay with her, and once Edward got back (which would undoubtedly be as soon as possible) she would leave to hunt and he would stay with me. This was pathetic. I was a big girl, I could take care of myself.

Of course, according to them, I couldn't.

* * *

**A/N: Yay! I updated! Aren't you proud? It's okay, I understand why you wouldn't be. I actually wrote this chapter months ago, but I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to leave it how it is, or if I wanted to add more to the chapter. I decided not to since I couldn't think of anything. I'll try to update very soon!**


End file.
